How Important is the Groom and his family when planning a wedding?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Glen Shevlin on January 14, 2010 at 4:49pm

The days of the groom remembering " On time and Sober" as his major reqirements are over. In our business we get the set all the time and while the groom may not have a major say in the actual invitation there is all most always an agreement on at least the form of the invitaiton. I have had a bride going through catalogues and the groom looking at pictures of the one's she likes courtesy of her I Phone ( Apple please send money for the plug) .

One of our larger problems has become sceduling to accomodate both of them.

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Permalink Reply by Stephen Hulbert on January 14, 2010 at 6:09pm

Lisa this is great advise. Lets all give a little love to the grooms!

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Permalink Reply by Tammy Hudson on January 14, 2010 at 6:21pm

I have seen the grooms taking a larger interest in the photography as well. From picking plans to what and how they want to be photographed.

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Permalink Reply by Soulful Engagements on January 15, 2010 at 10:37am

While I agree that it is about the couple and it's not just the brides day I thinking forcing the groom’s involvement by requiring that they both be there is not necessarily the best approach. Due to work schedules it might be hard to schedule a time that works for both of them. Or if the groom is just lacking a general interest in the details it may be hard to get him to devote an hour or so to a consultation. This could result in the couple seeking planning services from someone that is more accommodating. So my suggestion would be to "strongly suggest" that both be there, but not make it a requirement.

Also, excluding parents, especially if they will be paying for the majority of the wedding, can be tricky. While it is about what the couple wants, it's also about what the parents are willing to pay for. I think that if they are going to be very involved in the planning process they should be there from the initial consultation to make sure everyone’s on the same page from the start.

I think as the trend shifts from the bride's parents paying for the entire wedding to couples paying for the majority of their own wedding you'll naturally see more involvement from the grooms and whoever else is contributing since it's now their money that's being spent. I don't think it needs to be a forced strategy of getting the groom more involved.

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Permalink Reply by Glen Shevlin on January 15, 2010 at 12:35pm

The whole " whose wedding is it " issue has come up more than once.

The groom issue has been pushed by the grooms more than anything in our experience anyway. IE., speaking to the bride on the phone to arraing an appointment hearing a voice mumble in the back ground and having the bride say He actually wants to go with me. has happened more than once.

Our process is to simple ask what dates are available for the bride and groom to drop by. If the groom is indifferent to the invitation all well and good, if not that works as well. And quite frankly it is easier getting a decision when both are there.

The dragon in law or monster of the bride is an entirely different matter. The Thats how My Wedding Was and How Yours Will Be. Has appeared. It is a major issue if the person wishes to push it, up to and including the withholding of funds if they don't get their way.

There is no easy solution besides the Vegas option which may or may not be feasable. Your negotiating skills are in demand in a major way if you have the misfortune to run into this problem. Unfortunatly my prefered solution is not legal in any states or provinces that I am aware of.

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Permalink Reply by Gabbi Grace Events by Lisa Smith on January 15, 2010 at 4:30pm

The topic of this discussion is "How important is the Groom and his family when Planning a wedding?" if a groom is willling to devote his entire life to his bride then he is also willing to take time to make sure that all of his and his family's wishes are taken into consideration during the planning.

In the beginning we did "strongly suggest" " that both be there" however most times it still ended up being the future bride and a friend or someone else being there detailing what they wanted for the wedding and then months later changing details because the groom did not like something that the brides friend or someone else had suggested.This way when both the future bride and groom are present it is a crystal clear understanding regarding what their needs, wants and expectations are.

This is why they are given a very detailed questionnnaire that I personally created as to what their wants,needs and expectations are and what the wants,needs and expectations are including family,ethnic, cultural, and religious traditions of the families involved as well as the budget.

When it comes to my clients and prospective clients they find out very quicky that my company goes above and beyond to accomodate their needs and their families needs if I have to schedule a consultation at 10 p.m. because of their work schedule it will be done.

Over the past 10 years their has been a 72% increase in couples paying for their entire weddings in the event that I am working with a client whose has someone elses contributing to or paying full cost of their wedding they are also taken into consideration after I meet with the bride and groom during this initial consulation I will find out and know who is paying for what, I will know how much or how little their outside opinions will matter during the planning process . After this meeting when they return with their parents or whomever else is contributing to the cost of the wedding they will know exactly where their money is going and all of the time not only have the parents agreed to the wants they are extremely happy because we have saved them money.

I worked with a client that was American and the Groom was Indian they interviewed several planners before choosing our company a few of the reasons they chose our company we knew alot about the Indian culture and we knew that the cow is holy and that all over India they did not eat cow however this was something the bride nor did her mother know and because I asked specific quetions on my questionnaire the groom put this as one of his answers as a result his FMIL did not have steak as one of the menu choices at the reception that she was paying for and she did not offend his entire family that does not eat beef.

So cleary understand nothing I do is a forced strategy to get the groom involved however it is a strategy of peaceful and smart planning once a groom becomes engaged he is completely involved because like the bride and her family the groom and his family has responsibilties as well. Most of the time the groom has to hear it from a neutral source before he fully undestand and take full control of what is expected of them and their family. As a result I have seen beautiful wedding gifts, heard beautiful suprise serenades, read amazing vows, as well as received beautiful thank you letters from the grooms, grooms parents and families just for making sure that they are taken into consideration and making sure that their voice is heard as little or as much as they felt comfortable with during the initial consultation and wedding planning process.

My brides are very grateful I do this because it takes away most if not all of the questions they have when it comes to their future husband and his family's expectations when it comes to planning a wedding.

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Permalink Reply by Heart and Soul Events on January 16, 2010 at 1:55pm

Most of the weddings I plan, the grooms are very much involved. They should be involved. It is their special day too. Both families, bride and groom, have certain parts of the wedding planning process that they are responsible for. This makes it special for everyone, and no hurt feelings.

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Permalink Reply by Daria L. Ross on January 16, 2010 at 10:30pm

The best weddings are always a reflection of the couples. Anytime the groom is involved in the process, it only adds to the intimacy and unique feeling that comes from a celebration about two people joining in matrimony. Weddings that reflect the couple and not just the bride are always more enjoyable for all involved. As a professional, it's our job to draw out the personality of the couple to create an event that truly reflects their union. Listening it ESSENTIAL. Observe the couple. Spending quality time with the couple (not necessarily quantity time, but quality time) is crutial too. Asking questions is very important as well. However, if a groom doesn't want to be involved, that's their preference, and as professionals we do what our client wants - ultimately what makes THEM happy. So forcing the groom to be involved is a no-no, so I encourage brides to just simply work with what they have, keep it simple and keep their stress level down, ensuring they enjoy the planning process AS MUCH as their special day.

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Permalink Reply by amy on January 18, 2010 at 12:13am

I have a question. What is the expectation these days of the bride and the groom's families, as to who pays for what?

Amy

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Permalink Reply by Glen Shevlin on January 18, 2010 at 10:00am

This would depend entirely on the families involved. With the costs involved in some weddings these days the idea that the brides family pay for the entire celebration is not entirly feasible. Expectations, a budget and cost sharing should be an early if not the first meeting of the minds for everybody involved.

For all the its the Brides Day comments on this thread the expectations of the couple and the budgetary facts of life have to be discussed early on.

Once a realistic budget has been agreed to then the cost sharing issues can be discussed and allocated as required, the goal is to make sure that the wedding day is a celebration for everybody involved and getting the MONEY issue put away early is the best way to get started.

Setting realistic goals for the extent and cost of a wedding are required elements of the planning process, a Wedding Day should be remembered for the rest of your lives , but for all the right reasons.

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Permalink Reply by amy on January 18, 2010 at 10:06am

Thanks for your response. Very nicely put. I do appreciate it as we are dealing with this issue right now with our son's wedding.

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Permalink Reply by Gabbi Grace Events by Lisa Smith on January 18, 2010 at 10:20am

Hi Amy,

If you would like a detailed list of what the expectations of the Groom and his family are I would suggest reading Chapter 4 "What's a Groom to do? "of " Wedding Ettiquette" 5th Edition by Emily Post . If you are a Wedding Planner this is a great book to purchase for your library of resouces if not you can also get this book at the library to save on cost.

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