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Do you think it is rude when you are not invited to stay for the reception

I did a very big wedding yesterday and when the ceremony was over I went and looked to see where I was to be seated and they didnt have my name. The wedding planner thanked me for being there and paid me and that was my sign to leave. I told the wedding planner that I had the couple's wedding certificate but she took it and that was it. I wasnt allowed to see the couple again. I felt like I wasnt important to anyone, until today, the groom called me and said they didnt see me last night and I got out of there before they could me a thank you gift. How would you feel and what would you do? I have done many weddings where I was not to stay for the reception but it kinda bothers me when its done like they dont care about me and what I did for them.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ann Keeler Evans on October 25, 2009 at 2:34pm

brian, sounds like that was more a call by the wedding planner than the couple, since they had a wedding gift for you. i try hard not to stay at too many receptions, my waistline's happier, and i'm pretty tired after a wedding. but it's been interesting when i've said i'd stay and i wind up at the vendor's table eating a sandwich. it's pretty clear that few people understand how important this work is. i'd write it off, because it doesn't happen often, especially if you're putting as much heart as i feel into the ceremony. thanks for doing great work!

Permalink Reply by Weddings On Wheels® on October 25, 2009 at 6:31pm

Your first mistake is dealing with a wedding planner! Don't ever, ever do that! All the wedding planners I've ever worked with had no respect for or even knew how to deal with the officiant. I contract directly with the Bride & Groom. They pay me 1/2 down to reserve their date & time and the balance two weeks prior to the wedding. If the couple has not paid in full prior to the wedding, I tell them I cannot be there to officiate for them. I've never had a couple not pay me since I've been doing it that way.

As for the reception, I leave it up to the couple whether or not they can afford to invite me. Some have sent me wedding invitations, others have invited me verbally over the phone or via email. When I'm not sure if I'm invited to stay, I take a peek at the place cards. If there is one for me, then I know I can stay. If not, I locate the couple before I leave and give them their copy of the marriage license. This gives them a final opportunity to invite me to stay. If I receive no indication that they want me to stay, I pleasantly give them my best wishes and graciously leave. I never want to intrude where I'm not wanted, nor do I expect a couple to pay extra money to feed me if they really cannot afford it.

Permalink Reply by Ceremonies by Bethel on October 25, 2009 at 6:53pm

Brian, I agree with Ann - I think it was more that wedding planner, and not the couple's wishes. I wouldn't take it personally in that case.

In my case, I rarely stay for the reception, and truthfully, really don't want to. I usually mention it during our initial meeting - letting them know that I don't usually stay: that not only does it save them the cost of the plate for me, and my husband, if they want to be considerate enough to invite him so I have someone I know, but also because they will be the only people I will know at the wedding, "and you guys will be a little busy with other folks at that point!" (said with a smile). If I do stay, it is only when specifically asked to do so by the couple, or when their parents contact me to personally invite me, or if it's clear on their faces that they will be insulted if I don't, when I say I don't usually stay.

In my eyes, being there means I am still working, having to be "on" for another few hours, unpaid, when I'd really rather go back home to my hubby, get into pajamas, and just enjoy the "high" from having given another great couple a wonderful ceremony. Rarely is the food good enough to be worth staying (unless it's one of my favorite caterers), and you really have to stay a long time to get to the yummy cake!

Just my two cents!
Bethel
www.ceremoniesbybethel.com

Permalink Reply by Brian Purcell on October 26, 2009 at 6:56am

I do not usually stay for a reception unless I am asked. I do happen to double check the tables just incase they forgot to ask me to stay and I usually do this when I am a ways from home.

Permalink Reply by Rt. Rev. Dr. Ronald Turcot on October 27, 2009 at 3:21pm

Greetings Fellow Officiants,
Many times I am invited to the reception and when I am, I ask the couple if they would like me to "say grace" just before the meal begins. They really appreciate that extra service. I believe being a member of the clergy puts me in that situation. However, on my bridal worksheet that I use to plan the ceremony along with the engaged couple, I ask if they would like me to "say grace" just prior to the food and this gives them an opening to either say "we were not planning on you coming, (which is fine with me) OR they most times will say we would love for you to do so. Either way, I got my answer. The wedding planner is told by the couple that the minister will be attending with his wife, BUT, if that is not mentioned, I will inform the planner that the couple wishes me to say grace at the reception dinner and solves the problem immediately. There are times when I see the couple is working on a "tight budget" and I gracefully bow out of the invitation by explaining I have another event I must attend. (if they even invite me).

Permalink Reply by Barbara Ann Michaels on October 28, 2009 at 2:31pm

Good perspective. I have been asked to stay for everything from cocktail hour to dinner to the entire reception ~ though I never assume either way. I feel honored when asked and very much enjoy meeting the family and friends of this couple I have come to care about. Couples show their affection for our work in a variety of ways, for some it is including us in their party, for others it is a kind thank you note, for others it is referrals to their engaged friends and family members. As long as the couple and I have a warm exchange before I leave their wedding, whether that is right after or after I have danced with their Great Aunt, I'm happy. I do think, Brian, that is important that we see the couple for a proper congratulations and farewell, and I would encourage all of us to kindly advocate for that special moment if we need to do so.

Permalink Reply by Rev. Cheryl Hooten on October 28, 2009 at 5:29pm

It's a matter of custom, tradition and manners IMHO. Traditionally (in the US) the minister and his wife were always invited. But I find couple's today sorely lacking etiquette skills and that many are not aware of this tradition. As a planner myself I always remind couple's of this tradition but many planner's do not. Either way I hate to see a planner take the fall for a couple's bad manners - if they wanted you to be there you should have received a proper invitation just like any other guest and you would have found your name on the escort/place card table.

As an Officiant, when I complete a ceremony I allow the couple to have their receiving line, take their pictures while I enjoy the cocktail hour. Then when it's convenient we'll slip away with their witness and sign the marriage license. I complete all the forms and then hand the license directly to the couple or get instructions from them on who to give it to or where to place it. But I always have that private interaction with them before I leave, no if and's or but's about it - no one has ever prevented me from seeing a couple before I left, that's crazy....I have two legs and have no problem approaching a couple to say goodbye and extend my best wishes.

But because we have received so many last minute invitations in the past year, as an Officiant I changed things up and now mention to the couple's early on that if they wish me (or one of my male Officiant's) to attend the reception they need to invite us, indicating that a written invite is the proper etiquette; and if it's a matter of performing a meal blessing then joining them for the meal is expected. But I too would rather be at home in my jammies with my feet up reveling in the high of marring another couple!

If they do extend a last minute invitation to me at that time I usually decline politely while indicating to them that if I had know earlier I could have arranged to be there. Many times I find it's the parents that find out at the rehearsal l that I have not been invited to the reception and then insit on me coming, not the couple's who suddenly realized they have neglected to do so to me it's that last minute invitation that seems rude, like I'm an after thought. What I really find insulting is being served a sandwich instead of the meal everyone else is being served, to me that's a lack of respect from the caterer - if couple's are offered a "vendor meal" price from a caterer most jump on it without asking what that meal will be...most assume we'll be served the same as their other guests.

It does bother me to hear that some won't work with a planner at all, as a planner that makes my job incredibly difficult; we should be working together towards one goal - a beautiful day/ceremony for the couple; we should be able to put aside our personal differences and work together professionally to make the day a success; not have a successful event in spite of vendors not working together.

Permalink Reply by Rt. Rev. Dr. Ronald Turcot on February 19, 2010 at 10:13am

TAMPA WEDDING OFFICIANTS.com In general, I do find that brides & grooms are totally out of touch with wedding ettiquette OR they feel that the Officiant doesn't really need to be at the reception as he/she is an extra expense OR the guests that are coming like to talk and act nasty & act rowdy therefore they would not be comfortable with clergy present. I don't want to be anywhere that I am not wanted. Whenever I do get invited to a reception, which is usually 7 out of 10 weddings, I always offer to say "grace" before the meals which resonates well with the bridal couple. This always includes the meal for my wife. Patti helps me when there are 6 or more attendants in the wedding party. She is setting it up in the back staging area and spacing the people out at 6 ft. intervals to make the wedding appears bigger and also for the photographer to ensure that there will be no blurred photos as the participants might get too close to each other. So, in essence, the bridal couple gets 2 for the price of 1. It works out well. I really recommend that in every community, the bridal stores and the bridal shows should pass out a booklet on wedding etiquette and other valuable information. Putting this same info on your web site would serve to educate and reinforce proper etiquette as well. Holding informative seminars for "future brides" at bridal shops is another recommendation. Each week, advertise the event with a different subject matter pertaining only to weddings which will serve to make that vendor or group of vendors, absolute "experts" in their specific fields. It works!

Permalink Reply by Reverend Dawn on February 20, 2010 at 12:32pm

Maybe I'm in the minority on this one...but I never assume that I will be invited to stay for the reception. The couple has initially contacted me to retain my services for their ceremony, so I don't mention anything about being invited to the reception during our consultation or ceremony development process. My primary role is to design and perform the ceremony. Having said that, I have been invited to stay for receptions, and in most cases have obliged. But it was only after the couple invited me, and not because I told them that they needed to invite me in order to remain.

Permalink Reply by Heartfelt Florida Weddings on February 22, 2010 at 11:51pm

No. I don't think it's rude if not invited to remain for a couple's reception. Like Rev. Dr. Turcot, I do offer to say "grace" prior to the meal as that is one of the services I provide as a member of clergy. Even then, I don't remain for the reception once grace has been said, even if invited. I thank the newlyweds and say goodbye as well as to the parents of the bride and groom. I provide a complimentary gift for my clients and leave it on the couple's gift table before I leave. Like Bethel, I'd rather go home and relish the moment of bringing two hearts into one, with my husband of forty years. Even when invited, I decline gracefully.

Brian, please don't take it personally. I'm sure your couple's are very grateful for the types of ceremonies you perform for them and they express that to you in different ways (i.e., gratuity, gift, personal expressions, etc.). Continue to operate in the "spirit of excellence" as you do.

God bless,
Alice

Permalink Reply by Heather Kotok on March 23, 2010 at 3:24am

I am an Officiant who became a wedding planner and I always hold the officiant with the highest of esteem. I have never worked with other planners so I cannot speak for them... rarely do I come across an invitation for the officiant or ceremony musicians or other pre reception wedding professionals, yet I always encourage my couples to provide meals for all the wedding professionals and invite them to sit down and eat! This is planned ahead of time knowing the catering head count is very important... I verbally and in email invite each wedding professional and have the thank you cards and tips or gifts prepared ahead of time to give to each professional. I advise my couples who are not having a DOC or full wedding planning to do this for all the wedding professionals involved in creating their special day!

Personally I do not want to eat the 'vendor meals' or most caterers food as I like Gourmet Organic Food and the rest seems to just make me feel yucky... also I never know what to say to the friends and family when I officiate as I look like a young girl and not very Ministerial... I also do not know what to wear after performing the ceremony as I really do want to change out of my Officiant's Dress or Robe... so I feel blessed not to be invited... and usually decline, knowing the extra cost involved as well as the fact that I would love to get home to my family!

Now being the coordinator/planner/doc I expect a full meal and the time to sit down and eat as I usually have been at the location since early in the morning and will be staying until way after the wedding reception is over... and do not have the option of leaving to get a meal...

Permalink Reply by Carol J. Merletti on September 15, 2010 at 10:17pm

I actually do not wish to be invited to the reception. Couples are aware of this upfront because It is posted on my website. I eplain that I work full time at my day job, and often officiate 3-6 weddings a weekend, not to mention the sometimes wedding rehearsals on Thursday and Friday nights. I explain that I rarely see my family, I realize how expensive weddings are, and that since their family and friends do not know me, it would be uncomfortable for all of us. So I am never asked and I prefer it that way. I would not have a life if I attended receptions.

Since I became an officiant, all couples know that I love taking a picture with all couples that I marry so that I can place it on my website and Facebook, so they know that once the ceremony is over, we will sign the certificate and take a photo. Upon arriving at any venue, I inform both the planner, as well as the photographer, that we plan on doing this. I have never, ever had a problem.