Wedding Officiants

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Comment by Elizabeth Oakes on October 27, 2009 at 12:36am

Sorry to chime in a little late here....

Sheila and Brian, most U.S. states also have laws that a marriage license must be issued before a marriage ceremony can be performed, and my understanding is that certain language is protected--terms like "marriage" and "husband and wife" (or "spouse" in states that permit same-sex marriage.) Ann, it's actually okay to perform a ceremony AFTER a legal marriage has taken place--it's still lawful then, and as you know lots of people do separate civil and community ceremonies for many reasons--it's doing a wedding ceremony BEFORE a marriage license has been issued that is problematic.

Ron, I know you just want to spare elder couples social embarrassment, but I believe it is wise to keep a wide, bright line between non-legally binding rituals of union and wedding ceremonies, since a) the officiant is usually the one legally responsible for ensuring legal marriage requirements are met and b) the first person questioned should an allegation of fraud arise. Your intentions may be benign, but legal marriage confers specific inheritance and medical directive rights, among other benefits; by creating an impression those rights are being conferred when they really aren't, you are setting up a potentially disastrous situation. If a blood relative is unlawfully or negligently excluded from making medical or inheritance decisions for a family member by a non-legally-married partner holding themselves out as a lawful spouse, you could be held liable for the resultant losses...and That Would Be Bad (For A Very Long Time, I might add.)

The other risk is that someone will find out after that fact that a ceremony was not a real marriage ceremony--which happens a high percentage of the time, in my experience--and though that in itself may not be the basis for fraud charges, it can lead to disgruntled family and friends who feel their trust has been betrayed. No one likes to feel like they've been lied to; that also offends people's sense of the "golden rules of decency." I perform commitment ceremonies but am very clear about using language that does not in any way imply marriage, and I tell my couples to be clear with their guests about what is happening so misunderstandings do not occur.

Full disclosure and truthfulness are important values to bring into a marriage--whether a spiritual or a legal one--and if a friend or family member is important enough to be invited to a ceremony, it is respectful to tell them the truth. It is also important that officiants fully understand their responsibilities under civil law as well as any religious requirements for their wedding work, since ultimately they are responsible for the well-being of their couples and their families. IMHO, anyway.

Thanks for the thought-provoking thread, all!

Comment by Rt. Rev. Dr. Ronald Turcot on October 26, 2009 at 10:54pm

Greetings Rev. Carleen Burns,
I thank you for your input. As of this minute, as I read your info, I never thought of the legal ramifications of performing such a ceremony. You bring up very good legal points that may change my mind on performing such a ceremony in the future. Perhaps, I will have the couple mention this at their commitment ceremony as well as myself. I have no intention of committing a fraud. I really believed I was helping a loving couple escape possible ridicule by their family and friends for living together and not being married. Older couples / senior citizens have a strong value system and are afraid they will lose friends, create friction with their children, etc. They are still living by the old golden rules of decency. Thank you and God Bless. Dr. Turcot.

Comment by Ann Keeler Evans on October 24, 2009 at 10:45pm

Hi y'all. nice to see the discussion! I will do commitment ceremonies, in fact my husband and I had a commitment ceremony rather than a marriage to honor our friends who have no possibility to marry whether because of orientation or for the reasons Dr. Turcott mentioned. But I don't do it without talking about it, not so much that I worry that people will get presents they shouldn't but because it's important that people understand that there are barriers to marriage for some. I've also done religious ceremonies for people who did the legal work 6 mos ago for insurance reasons. In that case, I didn't particularly think it was anyone else's business when the license was signed.

It wouldn't be a bad idea in US (IMHO) if we separated civil and religious weddings. people could get their piece of paper and then create the ceremony they want to share with their community. While I'm entitled to do, and will do, the paperwork, I'm most interested in helping the couple get the community support that they need to thrive.

When I perform gay ceremonies, I will often encourage the couple to create a document their community can sign. A lawyer attending such a wedding suggested that that might create legal precedent. It's a wonderful custom for those who are only permitted a spiritual marriage.

I have been asked, unbelievably, if I would do a commitment ceremony for two people who were planning on getting married, but just hadn't bothered to get divorces yet, or tell their spouses. they were surprised by my refusal.

thanks for being here!

Comment by Carol J. Merletti on October 24, 2009 at 3:44pm

Thank you Reverend Turcot, I do have a very good reputation with my past and current clients, as well as in the wedding industry, which is why I took personal offense to the comments. I put my heart and sole into everything that I do when it comes to marrying couples.

Comment by Rt. Rev. Dr. Ronald Turcot on October 24, 2009 at 3:05pm

TO CAROL MERLETTI: I read your comments about some officiants making rude statements about the poor performance of other officiants. I can understand your frustration over that ,BUT: As long as those kind of statements do not describe "YOUR" methods and manner of officianting, don't give it any thought. When an officiant gives poor service, it doesn't take too long for people to learn about them, including venues management and other wedding vendors. These people only hurt themselves. As long as YOU know that you are giving your bridal couples the very best service possible, that's really all you need to care about. Your reputation will carry you to success.

Comment by Rt. Rev. Dr. Ronald Turcot on October 24, 2009 at 2:52pm

Greetings Folks,
I have been reading most all of the comments written here today and find them quite interesting. When I interview an engaged couple, I ask them "how did they meet each other?", How long have they known each other? is my 2nd serious question. If they tell me that they only know each other for six months, I tell them to continue to date, but NOT to marry just yet. I have a questionaire (contains 20 ques.) to give each of them. After they (separately) fill in the questionaire, I tell them to give their forms to each other to read and then compare and discuss the differences they see in each other's answers. Many would-be brides quickly get out of their relationships and the same with some potential grooms. The questions are designed to see how "far apart" they are in their thinking about what marriage is all about, their duties and other subjects RE: responsibilities, personal finances, etc. They are eye-openers to most and they come to realize that they need to communicate on a real personal level. I would not be doing them any favors if I married them and 6 months to1 year later, they get divorced. I would feel that I failed them. Officiants have a real responsibility to their clientelle. Too many are only in the business for "the buck" Shame on them! I take my services very seriously. I don't pre-judge my couples, even if they are in a status of co-habitation, which these days are the standard. I do offer a service to couples who love one another (senior citizens mostly) and each, especially the woman, have a lot to lose financially, if they re-marry. I provide a "Commitment" ceremony. This ceremony allows for a full wedding service, however, only they know that there is no license, files, or anything else to show they are really married. They are married "IN GOD"S EYES" only. This eliminates any chance of their losing a pension, social security benefits, medical benefits, and a lot more. Their guests attending the ceremony (friends & family) believe they are really tying the knot, and it serves their purposes. I have put this program on my website and I do get calls for it.

Comment by Barbara Ann Michaels on October 23, 2009 at 11:41am

Debbie, it sounds like your weekend couple and their families really bond with the symbolism of different rituals ~ traditional and modern. Enjoy them all!

Comment by Weddings On Wheels® on October 22, 2009 at 11:04pm

I just got back from a rehearsal for a wedding I'll be officiating tomorrow afternoon. Over 200 guests will be in attendance. The ceremony will be long and complex, including a wine ceremony, support from family members, presentation of flowers to the mothers, family promises, a family unity candle lighting, broom jumping and a dove release at the end! Hopefully it won't rain so we can release the doves. Otherwise, the couple will just be posing for pictures inside while holding them.

Comment by Barbara Ann Michaels on October 21, 2009 at 11:05pm

Thanks, Carol and Debbie. This is a great opportunity to affirm that our Wedding Officiant's group best serves everyone - our member Officiants and prospective Brides & Grooms who visit us - when we collaborate to support each other. Happily, we all have qualities, styles, and skills that make each of our Officiating unique. It's important to help Couples know our particular strengths to ensure a good Officiant-Couple match. Thus, our guidelines for promoting our services here are enthusiasm for our work and camaraderie with our colleagues. Sharing our ideas and wisdom among us also brings us all up. Wedding Officiants are some of the most sincere, generous, devoted, and lighthearted people I have come across. I'm truly delighted and honored to be counted among us in this special vocation.

Comment by Carol J. Merletti on October 21, 2009 at 9:52pm

This may come across the wrong way, but one pet peeve that I have is when vendors knock down other vendors who are in the same line of business, when describing their company. That is the one thing that I do not do to other officiants when describing what I do. It comes across in a very negative tone, and I take personal offense to it. Two things that struck me:

1. Would you like to have a ceremony officiant who does more than just show up and read the same boring wedding ceremony script you hear at every other wedding you've been to?

2. Your wedding day, like your love for each other, is very special. Don't settle for an inferior, run of the mill officiant who mumbles a few words and then pronounces you husband and wife.

Maybe it is me, but I take offense when another officiant describes other officiants as "boring" and "run of the mill who mumbles a few words".

Just my thoughts.

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