Thoughts on Marriage on my Anniversary

Today is the second anniversary of the day I married the man I was meant to be with forever. I’m not an expert on marriage (I believe the only people who could be called experts are those people who have been married to the same person all their lives)...but in two years, I have come to observe some of what I think it’s going to take to keep this marriage on the right course, for the rest of our lives.

We have three not so secret secrets (I guess) to keeping our focus. The first is that we kiss each other and we say “I love you” at every opportunity. We value our partnership above all else, and we keenly remember what it was like before we were together. So even when we’re on one another’s nerves to the breaking point, we remember what it was like to be lonely and lost, and then we fake it like we like it.

The second would be that we have a turn of phrase that is ours and ours alone. In fact the phrase is engraved inside our wedding bands (and it was purely accidental when we chose them for one another). I tell him that “I love you this much” (arms outstretched) and he responds by saying “I love you more” (index finger in the air to mark infinite measurement). I suspect and hope that this rings true forever...although I will admit that the truth in it is strained some days. That strain...that’s what people refer to when they say a marriage is actually hard work...and take it from a newbie – it’s so very true. It’s work where the only paycheque is a pat on the back and a smile. You definitely have to love marriage to be an effective partner in one.

The last secret I think we have is one that so many people have forgotten is there as a crutch for the opposite purpose than it has been used. Simply, it is that divorce isn’t an option for either of us. We’ve made a commitment, and come what may (so long as it isn’t hurtful or dangerous in any way), we’re in it for the long haul...no matter how tough it gets, or whose feathers it ruffles, or how much easier it would be to just walk away. I think that (while it certainly hasn’t been the toughest year we will face together as a couple) we have put this theory to the test this past two years. We have struggled with infertility, and he has seen me through the depths of clinical depression, and a year on disability, and still, when he looks in my eyes, I see pure unconditional love.

At one time, I didn’t think unconditional love existed. I count myself lucky to have found it. I think unconditional love comes straight from instinct. It is because, well, it is. C’est toute.

So the real matter of the entry today though, is what marriage ought to be. So many of us dream about the perfect wedding day, and envision that marriage will be like the television sitcoms. But when you get home from the honeymoon, and there’s no more wedding to plan, you get all discombobulated looking for that next project. Wondering why the world didn’t somehow just flip you into a perfect day every day while you were in Hawaii. It really is an odd feeling, and one that creates a lot of unease in some couples – this is why the “honeymoon phase” is critical. It helps you to mentally, emotionally and physically bridge the gap between fantasy and the reality you’re about to face for the next 30 or more years. Yes that’s right, I said 30 years or more. That’s how long people used to stay married for. Sounds like forever right? You’re probably getting married now, and you haven’t even been alive for 30 years. I think this is also a great reason that many couples have delayed the actual getting married part. The idea that you will have been married longer than you had been alive is rather daunting...I think sometimes we expect that a fairy tale wedding will turn into a fairy tale marriage, but just as in real life, there’s a reason the fairy tales end at the wedding.

What should come out of those first few years are traditions and a way of interacting with one another every day in an interdependent way. Things like our turn of phrase, and our saying to one another that we love each other every day is now part of a daily routine. When one of us isn’t there, or e miss saying/doing it, we can carry on, but it’s just not the same level of comfort left over.

For our anniversaries (like today), I think we’ve created a very special tradition. One that I hope will inspire you to look at your relationships in a new way too. We don’t buy one another gifts for our anniversary. I mean, we do a nice dinner, and he buys me beautiful roses. But the moment for tangible, wrap-able gifts happened two years ago. Instead, our gift to one another is a love letter. Every year, I write one for him, and he writes one for me, and I keep them with our wedding album. Every year, we look at the wedding photos (unlike many couples who never take the opportunity to pull them out after the first round of viewing by friends and family), and we read the letters from the previous years. What I think is wonderful about this is that it’s a great way to take the opportunity to re-centre and refocus on the marital goals...whatever they may be. It’s also a way of restating our commitment to one another and our marriage vows...and it doesn’t cost more than 10 minutes of our time, the cost of a pen and a piece of paper. And finally, it shows one another exactly what we appreciate and admire most in one another – because so often life gets in the way of sharing that level of appreciation and admiration for one another. It’s like the old sayings go – it’s easy enough to say the words “I Love You”, but it’s a whole other thing to be able to “show it”. We all need that kind of reassurance and admiration once in a while. And we all need to be able to give it to our partners just as much. Someone once told me that no marriage is 50:50. Marriage is like 120:120. You both have to give yourselves over to it fully in your own ways, or selfishness will destroy the marriage bonds.

I think for the major milestones, we’ll try to kick it up a notch, but in the meantime, this works, and sets us up for marital success – not just wedded success.

So this post is dedicated to those getting married, and those newly married...may you have a lifetime (yes, 30 years or more) of commitment, honesty, trust and love with one another. May you find the courage and the strength in one another to meet each anniversary with as much love or more than you had the year before. And may you look at your wedding photos at least once a year to remember what it was like before you were together, and to prove that it wasn’t just a huge waste of money to get that fabulously expensive photographer!

Here’s to happy marriages!